I have been needing to write this down for awhile. For a few weeks now I have been writing this in my head. I even catch myself talking it all out while I drive to or from work.

I am going to conglomerate a few themes into one post. And then throughout the lent season, or through this season of my life (a week, a month…yo no se)I will unpack each one. I guess that’s what I have been doing all along. Using my verbal processing skills to communicate to the 25 people who read this what’s going on in my mind, heart, and life.

The way I want to lead is with compassion. With this post and with this life. There have been a few conversations going on around me; specifically, one with my very contentious co-worker who brought up being less judge-y. Its odd because I feel like she is one of the most open and accepting people around me. But somewhere in the ladder of becoming there is a stop to recognize how we view others. I get this. I myself have sat in my therapist’s office and asked how to be less aware of my opinions of others. In other words, how do I get to caring less about others (in my opinion) shitty life choices? How do I bluntly “care less” about others? In my question, lies the answer (or at least the ones posed by my therapist),

C A R E more about Y O U R S E L F.

I can remember it so clearly. It was so matter of a fact. “Therapist (insert name…I can’t tell you, otherwise you will drive far and wide to see her and she wont have time for me) what do I have to do to get over how my thoughts and feelings about others?”

She says you have to be more compassionate with yourself.

All along my mom has said “worry about yourself.” That message was loud and clear; when Alexandra was doing all the bad things and Thomas was making all the messes (please read that as accurate accounts of my childhood J), Paula reminded me she would handle that and I should just worry about little perfect angel, Laraine.

Later I will tell you all about how I was sent to the principal’s office for being good. Don’t let me lose focus.

In that same strong message was a perfect demonstration of caring for others and in fact, worrying for others, even problem solving for them. I can’t tell you how many cousins, uncles, and family friends who rested their head on out couch. My family did NOT mind their own business; they went out of their way to be there for people in their time of need. This demonstration conflicted with the “worry about yourself” message. I can remember being at Boco del Rio (a hole in the wall) and we were approached by a homeless man who asked for money. My dad declined to give out money but absolutely insisted he buy him a meal. I saw this demonstration multiple times as a kid. We give the shirt off our back…got it, loud and clear.

This might not completely make sense I think it will be several posts in before I can completely process how these two very opposing but complementing themes connect.

Compassion, that was the point of that long drawn out story. I have to have more compassion for myself. Every move I make I can scrutinize over the consequences. It can really contribute to what might look flakey or indecisive; even anxious. In fact, I know what I want and I know what I should do; the conflict more often lies in how it will affect everyone around me and how to please everyone. Ha, impossible. Yikes, that’s a high bar I have set for myself. No wonder I am so easily disappointed when others can’t live up to my expectations.

I am not sure how this relates to the kids. Except for completely and totally. I will leave all those inferences to y’all for now.

I want to bridge to another topic. Living in the moment.

See how disconnected this all is; this is what happens when I save so many thoughts for one post. It doesn’t quite fit. But in my effort to be more compassionate with myself, I will not edit this. I would add I wont worry but that’s setting the bar pretty high for myself.