Many of the days that have past in my life I have prayed for the strength to tell my truths. Being brave and vulnerable is sometimes terrifying; but I get to filter the amount of insight to my life I share. Often the choice I make to share is self-serving and I share on topics in which I have begun to work through. I don’t know that I have everything all sorted out in any topic but there are some more safe than others. I tend to stick to the safe stuff. I save that real vulnerable stuff for the people in my closest circle. I actually feel good about that choice. I am not looking to exploit all my soft spots. But there is a truth that keeps coming up when I type my stories; I have ignored it. There is so many other things I can write about, I say to that nagging voice inside.
But today I want to go a little deeper. Let me set this up. Although this is a hot button for me, I am confident that the God who sustains me; who led to me marry Megan Sarah Paul; who guides my life is a better planner than me. That is saying a lot. Because I am really good planner, specifically party planning.
All my life if you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would have told you I wanted to be a mom. I mean I wanted to be a teacher, a doctor, a therapist, a Broadway star….you know all the trendy things. I came to a mature place where I also added that I wanted to be a good person. I wanted to be the best. I wanted to be genuine and kind, I wanted to be a leader and an excellent partner. I want to be a lot of things. I finally realized I am not going to be a Broadway star and probably not a doctor. But Mom has never left the table.
I know, I know I am a mom. And as a great friend once told Meg and I on Mothers day one year (pre-foster kids), that we have mother’s hearts. That has always stuck with me. Mothers heart, foster kids, God kids, nieces and nephews, etc. I know we are moms.
Ok get to the point, I am such a staller.
I want to articulate this in a way that makes me feel good.
We have tried to get pregnant. This blog will not cover the gory details of all those failed attempts….maybe another day. We have spent a fair amount of time and large amount of money on conceiving with no soup. Cue all the questions. I will get to that.
Fostering is not a substitute to bearing and raising our biological children. But what we know about ourselves is this: we have so much love to give, we have the capacity and willingness to serve the least of the children in our community, we have mothers’ hearts. We are using all the gifts God has given us to love and give the best care to the children entrusted to us.
I know the child rearing story of our life is just beginning. I wish I could write the story how I wanted but its very cool that even though God makes the outline, we get to paint the colors of our story.
Be gentle, although this says very little; its carrying a whole lot.