Earlier this week I alluded to the 8 year old child feeling guilty. There are several behaviors (mostly things she has said) that demonstrate the conflict for her. I want to give examples but I also want to protect her and her family. In general, there is a strong need for us to see her mom as cool and good. It seems when she picks up on characteristics that we value in people (even careers or hobbies), shortly thereafter we hear a story of how Mom was/is/does that too.

Today, sweet 8 year old mentioned said, “You and Laraine are the nicest parents I have ever had.”

Shit.

She said this to Megan, thank God. In my most amazing moments I would have had a perfect therapeutic answer. But in my exhausted, sore throat (thanks germ factory) moments, today I would of melted into tears on the floor.

Those tears would have demonstrated my ambivalence though. One edge of the sword is yay! My woo-ing skills are so badass, kids who are stripped from their family can be convinced to like me.

The other edge of the sword is one I was worried about (even before these babies were in our house). Its so nice to hear those words; like what a beautiful message of appreciation. But there is a strong part of me that doesn’t want any comparison statements to be made. And I love competition. This is not a competition I want to win.

Real talk: the likelihood is these kids will go home. They will leave our home, the one they have taken over and made their own…they will leave here and most likely return to where they came from. In an early post I said, these kids need their mama. I still believe that…they need a version of their mom that makes their home safe and them safe. As much as I want to show these kids how awesome it can be, I don’t want to tease them.

I don’t have a very good response or concluding statement about this. Last night when I was rocking baby boy to sleep he cuddled me so close; not like a stranger at all…I realized I should be preparing myself for when they go home. A smart therapist knows planning and prepping for termination begins at intake. I hope my heart will understand.