Be who you are…a first attempt at real world vulnerability

Lets start this little story with some truth telling. I am not a good gay. I also don’t have a ton of self-compassion so that might be more self deprecating than it should be. Regardless, I am a fabulous advocate for others…the abused children, the person being treated unfairly at the cash register, my squatter neighbor, the underdog. So you’d think the Equality for all fight would be right up my alley, but it isn’t.

I think I’d argue I want to be treated like everyone else, I want to blend in, not stick out. So I might overcompensate for my bold “out” brothers and sisters.

In all fairness and compassion to myself I would argue (with myself, no one is actually arguing with me) that this is deeper than my identification as a lesbian; but even extends to my Latina culture. I will leave that conversation to the confines of my therapists office (for now).

The point I want to make is that for 3 years; 3 long, bruitful (to quote Glennon Melton) Meg and I were in a “private relationship.” Of course, I have ‘mouth of the south’ and I was not as secretive as we’d agreed but regardless a guarded relationship.  I want to try to make this funny. This would be easier if it was funny; but I think I need to just be real. We remained “closeted” for whatever reasons we felt were justifiable (religion, fear, the unknown). We are not the first of this kind; but God, I hope we are some of the last.

Our first Atlanta PRIDE parade

Can you imagine the complexity of being in your first “same-sex” relationship; heck, my first serious relationship and not be able to ask advice or dish with your friends about all the in’s and out’s of dating?!? Its terrible. Its lonely. Its in the least not ideal. I am so lucky, Megan is a perfect best friend and together we rode the roller coaster hand in hand. Have I ever mentioned Megan is just like Jesus, full of grace?

Today, we went to our first pride. We have never lived in such a progressive city, such as Atlanta. I was filled with emotion more than once because the acceptance is overwhelming. Pictured below is the act of lovingkindness that blew my mind and made me want to be more brave. I already posted this picture today but its worth repeating. To see these allies come out to cover the unkind words of protestors ignited something in me. It made me spend the last 4 hours trying to create words to describe my feelings. There is more good than bad out there and I am moved by that.

IMG_2810-2The Pansy Patrol

As its also National Coming Out Day I want to be a better advocate for people who are struggling with being true to themselves.

I remember the day I told my family about Megan. The lump in my throat, the sweaty palms, the pounding heart…all that anxiety. I knew it would all be okay but I never knew exactly how much better than okay it would be. I am so glad I was brave that day. I hope I keep being brave everyday. Maybe bravery is contagious, maybe I can encourage someone else to be brave.

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
-Dr. Seuss


2 thoughts on “Be who you are…a first attempt at real world vulnerability

  1. thank you for your bravery and for being vulnerable. that really was brave! i’m humbled by your story and honored to know you. 🙂 i miss you both and hope you had a happy pride! ❤

  2. Awesome, we had a great time and we’re glad we could share the experience with y’all. The Pansy Patrol is truly an inspiration … my first thought towards the protesters was much more negative, so I’m glad a nicer (and more reasonable) group was there to provide a better option.

    I think you hit upon an important point: the struggle between blending in (the privacy, the comfort) and being out about who you are (whoever that may be) – making yourself vulnerable to more than just your closest friends and allies. It’s a difficult thing to do and not everyone gets there – or needs to, everyone chooses what’s right for themselves.

    I’m happy for you for stepping out there and being more comfortable with who you are. It’s something that I think we all are trying to be better about.

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